EGADS... I am such a Man-Child!
I’m posting today something I wrote on one of the most peculiar and saddest days I’ve experienced in memory. Just a couple of days ago. Seems like a million miles and years away, I have had so much fun and learnt so much since. Read on, cats and kittens...
I haven’t written on my blog for a long time and I haven’t uploaded any art either.
I guess I have been pretty busy with my life and haven’t really done too much artistic work outside of my job, which is in many ways quite creative. I think I’m like a lot of artists who kind of need some strong inspiration to do some work. And to be successful you have to ride the lightning when it comes. Work, work, work...
This can be any kind of inspiration.
For instance I discovered an excellent photographer the other day that is deeply moved by exceptionally beautiful scenes in nature. This guy was brilliant; he trekked to some of the most remote locations to capture moments in time that were so incredible.
For a while now I have been interested in the idea of meeting someone from a different country and culture. I have chatted to a few women online and have enjoyed this variety.
This led to a relationship with an American woman online. I always found the idea kind of off-putting, and the refuge of losers but it seemed really natural and relaxed. Ours was a chance meeting and it seemed too good to be true. We seemed to connect on so many levels; intimately and dare I say spiritually. She was so pretty, and smart, and sensitive. We shared so much and became very close and intimate. I began to wonder if meeting online was a brilliant new phenomenon of the technological age.
The last time we spoke on Skype she actually became teary when we logged off… I was really touched by this little slip of emotion. She is a bit of a toughie.
To be honest, I suppose I might be a little love starved.
But then again I’m no beggar on the street of love either.
Anyway, as a Californian who lives in Jersey she was visiting family in San Francisco so with her prompting and ultimately her booking for me I found myself trekking all the way from Sydney to spend a few nights with her. I was so excited; I’d never really been anywhere and we just seemed so right.
So, we were so close, I felt like I was walking on air. After many months Christmas ‘09 rolled along and the January 22 date drew nearer. I fell ill with bronchitis until New Years and took life very easy.
My contact with my little friend changed in January ‘10 though. She told me that we were going to talk less and that this would be a nice build up for our meeting. It felt kind of cute but it also felt kind of wrong. Something wasn’t right and I wondered why…
I arrived, she met me at the airport with family and they seemed so nice, really went out of their way to make me welcome and showed me around. I won’t talk about personal intimacy but we were alone we finally shared some and it was really nice, a little awkward at first, but really I felt terrific. Not the sort of things you do with someone you don’t care for.
It all sort of changed in a day though.
One day if felt wonderful, the next totally different.
She went for a long walk alone first thing in the day while I conquered as much of my jet-lag as I could, and we spent the rest of the day with members of her family again. I felt like we were getting no time alone and when we did she was tired and I was reluctant to push anything.
Thanks to the jet-lag and this I was much quieter than I have been in years. Kind of faded into the background, which is so unlike me.
This morning she woke before me and got ready to go out. She had packed her bags. I felt like she wasn’t interested in my company when I woke and after a fashion she wasn’t interested in my embraces, or any such warmth. OK, I can cope with this I thought. People have their moments.
She went for another walk and I felt so fucking flat I thought I would deflate like a punctured pool-pony. I leapt out of bed and stared getting ready; I’m going for a walk on my own, fuck-it. I can dish it out as well, the cold shoulder.
What a load of shit. Communication is the key to resolving anything; I guess I have to at least thank her for that.
She returned much sooner than expected. I was caught putting my socks on.
We went to breakfast in a local Ihop – International house of pancakes. There we were, sitting in a diner-style booth like in so many movies. She asks me why I have been kind of distant and I blurt out I feel like she has no interest in me.
She blurts herself;
“I met someone three-weeks-ago”.
I’m in shock… What..?
Oh my god; it all makes sense. I can’t believe it. Why didn’t you tell me..? I knew it I knew it I knew it I knew it…
I was a little insulting. I mean I kept my cool and was polite but I asked her if she and this man were intimate, using the least polite terminology. I don’t even remember her reply; it wasn’t total denial however. I’ve found myself at a point where I wondered whether I can trust the things she tells me after she made a few slips of the tongue over the last couple of days.
Mark Twain once said, “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything…”
People intrigue me, they really do. I have often wondered if I should study psychology. I astound myself also. I am a stupid, stupid guy sometimes.
I asked her why she had done this to me. Her response was she didn’t want to let me down and ‘ruin my holiday’. Well. I don’t know how to rationalize that, I really don’t. All I could mutter was “How can you do this to me…” repeatedly. I was in shock. To be honest, I think I still am.
“I traveled a third of the way around the world to see you…”
“I introduced you to my family…” she trailed off the thought.
“Yes - and they were all lovely…” I responded.
“Oh my god – you have to go, I cannot believe this” I can recall exclaiming. “I can’t share a hotel room with you, I can’t do this… You have to go…”
Was I a prick..? I was astounded by my composure, to tell the truth. It is my room. I paid for it, and I’m sitting in it like a loser now, writing this.
“I’ve already packed…” she said.
So, she was out of there. The last thing I said was “I knew this would happen, it always happens because I’m a nice guy”. The last refuge of the jilted dickhead.
“You’re not a nice guy Simon”
She threw it at me like a monkey throws his dung, muttering something about paying for her coffee with a couple of crinkly $1 greenbacks which fell on the table, before storming off at as high a speed as her little legs would carry her.
A minute or so passed, and I did the same. I apologize to the Fisherman’s Wharf Ihop for the food I ordered that I didn’t eat; I did pay for my coffee I drank though in the same fashion. I honestly thought I was going to lose it. I have never felt so alone. At no point did I raise my voice or become really offensive I’m proud to say.
I was so bewildered, so head-fucked all I could do was walk back to the hotel room in a daze.
I ran into her in the hallway… Amazing really that I went the way I did and she was exiting the same way from the labyrinthine complex.
“Good luck with your life Johninie” was all I could manage.
I got no response. I wasn’t trying to be facetious; it was truly how I felt, and all I could summon.
I think inadvertently I have done her the biggest favour; I have given her an ‘out’; she can blame me and tell people what a bastard I am and how I threw her into the street. Hardly; she had already packed her bags and was prepared for this outcome. Maybe even counting on it.
By all rights I should be furious; really disgusted with how this has turned out. Strangely, I’m not. I just feel deeply disappointed, and disillusioned. How can something so right feel so wrong..? It really felt as deep as a regular relationship. Just in unusual, long distance circumstances. I guess by virtue of the fact I don't understand means I have no idea of how to be a callous person like some others are.
I haven’t written on my blog for a long time and I haven’t uploaded any art either.
I guess I have been pretty busy with my life and haven’t really done too much artistic work outside of my job, which is in many ways quite creative. I think I’m like a lot of artists who kind of need some strong inspiration to do some work. And to be successful you have to ride the lightning when it comes. Work, work, work...
This can be any kind of inspiration.
For instance I discovered an excellent photographer the other day that is deeply moved by exceptionally beautiful scenes in nature. This guy was brilliant; he trekked to some of the most remote locations to capture moments in time that were so incredible.
For a while now I have been interested in the idea of meeting someone from a different country and culture. I have chatted to a few women online and have enjoyed this variety.
This led to a relationship with an American woman online. I always found the idea kind of off-putting, and the refuge of losers but it seemed really natural and relaxed. Ours was a chance meeting and it seemed too good to be true. We seemed to connect on so many levels; intimately and dare I say spiritually. She was so pretty, and smart, and sensitive. We shared so much and became very close and intimate. I began to wonder if meeting online was a brilliant new phenomenon of the technological age.
The last time we spoke on Skype she actually became teary when we logged off… I was really touched by this little slip of emotion. She is a bit of a toughie.
To be honest, I suppose I might be a little love starved.
But then again I’m no beggar on the street of love either.
Anyway, as a Californian who lives in Jersey she was visiting family in San Francisco so with her prompting and ultimately her booking for me I found myself trekking all the way from Sydney to spend a few nights with her. I was so excited; I’d never really been anywhere and we just seemed so right.
So, we were so close, I felt like I was walking on air. After many months Christmas ‘09 rolled along and the January 22 date drew nearer. I fell ill with bronchitis until New Years and took life very easy.
My contact with my little friend changed in January ‘10 though. She told me that we were going to talk less and that this would be a nice build up for our meeting. It felt kind of cute but it also felt kind of wrong. Something wasn’t right and I wondered why…
I arrived, she met me at the airport with family and they seemed so nice, really went out of their way to make me welcome and showed me around. I won’t talk about personal intimacy but we were alone we finally shared some and it was really nice, a little awkward at first, but really I felt terrific. Not the sort of things you do with someone you don’t care for.
It all sort of changed in a day though.
One day if felt wonderful, the next totally different.
She went for a long walk alone first thing in the day while I conquered as much of my jet-lag as I could, and we spent the rest of the day with members of her family again. I felt like we were getting no time alone and when we did she was tired and I was reluctant to push anything.
Thanks to the jet-lag and this I was much quieter than I have been in years. Kind of faded into the background, which is so unlike me.
This morning she woke before me and got ready to go out. She had packed her bags. I felt like she wasn’t interested in my company when I woke and after a fashion she wasn’t interested in my embraces, or any such warmth. OK, I can cope with this I thought. People have their moments.
She went for another walk and I felt so fucking flat I thought I would deflate like a punctured pool-pony. I leapt out of bed and stared getting ready; I’m going for a walk on my own, fuck-it. I can dish it out as well, the cold shoulder.
What a load of shit. Communication is the key to resolving anything; I guess I have to at least thank her for that.
She returned much sooner than expected. I was caught putting my socks on.
We went to breakfast in a local Ihop – International house of pancakes. There we were, sitting in a diner-style booth like in so many movies. She asks me why I have been kind of distant and I blurt out I feel like she has no interest in me.
She blurts herself;
“I met someone three-weeks-ago”.
I’m in shock… What..?
Oh my god; it all makes sense. I can’t believe it. Why didn’t you tell me..? I knew it I knew it I knew it I knew it…
I was a little insulting. I mean I kept my cool and was polite but I asked her if she and this man were intimate, using the least polite terminology. I don’t even remember her reply; it wasn’t total denial however. I’ve found myself at a point where I wondered whether I can trust the things she tells me after she made a few slips of the tongue over the last couple of days.
Mark Twain once said, “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything…”
People intrigue me, they really do. I have often wondered if I should study psychology. I astound myself also. I am a stupid, stupid guy sometimes.
I asked her why she had done this to me. Her response was she didn’t want to let me down and ‘ruin my holiday’. Well. I don’t know how to rationalize that, I really don’t. All I could mutter was “How can you do this to me…” repeatedly. I was in shock. To be honest, I think I still am.
“I traveled a third of the way around the world to see you…”
“I introduced you to my family…” she trailed off the thought.
“Yes - and they were all lovely…” I responded.
“Oh my god – you have to go, I cannot believe this” I can recall exclaiming. “I can’t share a hotel room with you, I can’t do this… You have to go…”
Was I a prick..? I was astounded by my composure, to tell the truth. It is my room. I paid for it, and I’m sitting in it like a loser now, writing this.
“I’ve already packed…” she said.
So, she was out of there. The last thing I said was “I knew this would happen, it always happens because I’m a nice guy”. The last refuge of the jilted dickhead.
“You’re not a nice guy Simon”
She threw it at me like a monkey throws his dung, muttering something about paying for her coffee with a couple of crinkly $1 greenbacks which fell on the table, before storming off at as high a speed as her little legs would carry her.
A minute or so passed, and I did the same. I apologize to the Fisherman’s Wharf Ihop for the food I ordered that I didn’t eat; I did pay for my coffee I drank though in the same fashion. I honestly thought I was going to lose it. I have never felt so alone. At no point did I raise my voice or become really offensive I’m proud to say.
I was so bewildered, so head-fucked all I could do was walk back to the hotel room in a daze.
I ran into her in the hallway… Amazing really that I went the way I did and she was exiting the same way from the labyrinthine complex.
“Good luck with your life Johninie” was all I could manage.
I got no response. I wasn’t trying to be facetious; it was truly how I felt, and all I could summon.
I think inadvertently I have done her the biggest favour; I have given her an ‘out’; she can blame me and tell people what a bastard I am and how I threw her into the street. Hardly; she had already packed her bags and was prepared for this outcome. Maybe even counting on it.
By all rights I should be furious; really disgusted with how this has turned out. Strangely, I’m not. I just feel deeply disappointed, and disillusioned. How can something so right feel so wrong..? It really felt as deep as a regular relationship. Just in unusual, long distance circumstances. I guess by virtue of the fact I don't understand means I have no idea of how to be a callous person like some others are.
(And I look great in a red cape, flying across metropolis and walking on water back in Nazareth too...)
In a way there are so many things I wish I’d said to her and done with her. I was so jetlagged and confused, I wasn’t my usual gregarious and outgoing self. As an Aussie who sticks out like a sore thumb at home I’m pretty outnumbered by loud people in the US. Especially in a tourist trap like Fisherman’s Wharf. And I simply didn’t want to come across as an arrogant arsehole.
I’m a peculiar guy. I think I’m a pretty good person though. I don’t lie, steal or cheat. I avoid hurting people and have steered away from relationships where I have felt like there is no future in them. From the earliest I can, I have pulled the pin on them my whole life. I don’t feel desperate when alone and I despise the idea of using someone or hurting them.
But here I am, on the other side of the world, jilted and alone. I literally know no one apart from her and her family (who I really don’t know); have one person’s phone number and she sure as hell doesn’t want to talk to me. Let’s face it – that’s out of the question. Chances are she’s not even in this city anymore. I have a buddy in Nevada however I don’t want to impose myself on him, it’s been a while since we spoke and I always promised I’d visit if I was around – and I haven’t told him I am.
So, I crapped out and I didn’t even go to Vegas.
In a way there are so many things I wish I’d said to her and done with her. I was so jetlagged and confused, I wasn’t my usual gregarious and outgoing self. As an Aussie who sticks out like a sore thumb at home I’m pretty outnumbered by loud people in the US. Especially in a tourist trap like Fisherman’s Wharf. And I simply didn’t want to come across as an arrogant arsehole.
I’m a peculiar guy. I think I’m a pretty good person though. I don’t lie, steal or cheat. I avoid hurting people and have steered away from relationships where I have felt like there is no future in them. From the earliest I can, I have pulled the pin on them my whole life. I don’t feel desperate when alone and I despise the idea of using someone or hurting them.
But here I am, on the other side of the world, jilted and alone. I literally know no one apart from her and her family (who I really don’t know); have one person’s phone number and she sure as hell doesn’t want to talk to me. Let’s face it – that’s out of the question. Chances are she’s not even in this city anymore. I have a buddy in Nevada however I don’t want to impose myself on him, it’s been a while since we spoke and I always promised I’d visit if I was around – and I haven’t told him I am.
So, I crapped out and I didn’t even go to Vegas.
I guess I could have woken up with a kidney missing and a tattoo of a needle and thread where the stitching should be though...
I don’t understand how someone can be so shallow and callous. I suppose that’s a simple, one sided view, but I really don’t know how you can go from saying the things you do to someone you care for, the things she said to me, the tears online, to being so cold. I didn’t pass off any photos of George Clooney as me, so it can’t be that.A former room-mate of mine was a nice guy but a bit of a know-all. He said to me once when we were still living together: “You will never know until you meet her”. He was so right, I guess. I said before I left home, at least I will know; I’m not going to die wondering.
So, this post was a portrait she nagged me to paint for her. It was a surprise and seemed to be received well; only other people gave it more of a “WOW” than she did. Another little thing which adds-up now I mention it. It was no surprise it was still in the hotel room, neatly packaged the way I had done it for her.
The Portrait on her bed... Just before I posted it and fumigated...
Her Birthday is a week from today; this was her gift. I don’t have the heart to throw it in to San Francisco Bay like some token forlorn gesture. I’ve done enough here online, rather fittingly. I think I’ll mail it to her back in New Jersey. I hope she feels even just a pinch-of-shit of regret before she crams it into the garbage in front of her house. She should, she’ll never meet someone like me ever again.
I’m posting this tonight as some form of lonely therapy. I went shopping like a man-woman and saw Sherlock Holmes to cheer myself up. It didn’t work much, but I’m sure I’ll feel better as time passes. I guess it’s unlike any other relationship because it built up to this point of arrival – literally – and suddenly fell so flat. She won’t ever see this so it doesn’t matter. I’m sure I’ve been facebook-de-friended by now. I couldn’t be bothered even checking.
It’s sad. She seemed so great, but all she turned out to be was a bald faced liar. As far as I can tell, anyway. I don't mean to rubbish the woman, but hey - c'mon...
She did tell the truth in the end though, but I wonder if that makes it any better..? Knowing the personality at work, I feel certain she thinks she’s in the absolute right. I don’t mean to demean her, but this is the type of behavior I’d left behind myself in my teens – early twenties. So I guess, life has done me a favour and I’ve dodged a bullet. She has had a tough time of late, so I guess she deserves some happiness. Karma is a bitch though, and even if you don’t believe in it people who do this to others usually cop what they deserve in the long run.
What astounds me, what truly amazes me is how I played such a backseat role in this whole episode. I make no apologies for being a passive man when it comes to relationships with women, as it’s just the person I am. I’ve been walked over many times in my life and really don’t let it phase me. I won’t lower myself to be a jerk or a sleazebag, and I’m proud if this. Regardless, in this case I was truly in the back-seat. She drove the bus on this whole affair. She encouraged me to the hilt – sent me endless love letters, romantic songs, personal items… Sexy messages, sexy photos… I have a box full of nicely laundered boutique lingerie reeking of expensive perfume she sent over several months which I threw out twice.
I can’t touch it – makes me want to vomit and laugh at the same time. But I have kept it like some evidence kit to prove to my friends I’m not mad.
We talked for hours, she ran up massive phone bills for herself. Unbelievable. Whenever I expressed my doubts or concern for her overwhelming and seemingly sudden affection for me I was told not to “Be so cold – don’t be afraid of me (her)” and that “I (she) won’t hurt you Simon”.
Yeak, riiiight...
"I have never been with a man I was in love with. I wan't you to be the first".
It seems laughable but it's all true. She got NOTHING from me, It feels like a scam but there was really nothing she got but my time and a monochrome portrait. If she in fact eventually got it...
Twice I tried to get rid of her after I caught her lying to me and she managed to worm her way back. Initially she had some type of breakdown at work and had to go home. The second time she tried to introduce group sex into the equation. She and some dirty girlfriend were trying to sex it up, she'd clearly felt envious and wanted to get in on the act. Eventually it all turned out to be bullshit, and I took exception to this. I'm very open minded to anything - except lies and dishonesty.
Thank god I didn’t fall for her; I’d be shattered now. As it is I’m pretty astounded. I realize I’m pretty naïve but this whole episode in my life has been quite a gas in a way. If she was someone from an impoverished country trying to gain entry into mine I’d be able to put two & two together. But she wasn’t. & every time I expressed concern for her being on some type of rebound I was shot down as not knowing what I was talking about.
She booked me the trip. She nagged me to come.
And she met someone else on New Years Eve. Incredible.
Anyone would think I am lying and this story is a work of fiction. I am hurt and trying to make myself look good, and discredit her. But I swear it’s all true. And I know she is a liar, so I have nothing on my conscience.
So there you go bored people in cyber-land reading this pap. The world has grown smaller thanks to technology; however I can tell you that’s difficult to digest when you are alone in a big city in a foreign country, tens of thousands of miles from the people who really love you.
The real lesson I have learnt is not that online meeting is bad, or that American people are bad, or women are evil. Or that adversity makes us self reflect, resourceful and strengthens us, although the latter are certainly true.
It’s made me realize that if you have a hunch about something, if something feels like it isn’t quite right, isn’t comfortable or doesn’t add up, then chances are you are right.
Always trust your instincts. Sometimes it’s all you have.
What astounds me, what truly amazes me is how I played such a backseat role in this whole episode. I make no apologies for being a passive man when it comes to relationships with women, as it’s just the person I am. I’ve been walked over many times in my life and really don’t let it phase me. I won’t lower myself to be a jerk or a sleazebag, and I’m proud if this. Regardless, in this case I was truly in the back-seat. She drove the bus on this whole affair. She encouraged me to the hilt – sent me endless love letters, romantic songs, personal items… Sexy messages, sexy photos… I have a box full of nicely laundered boutique lingerie reeking of expensive perfume she sent over several months which I threw out twice.
I can’t touch it – makes me want to vomit and laugh at the same time. But I have kept it like some evidence kit to prove to my friends I’m not mad.
We talked for hours, she ran up massive phone bills for herself. Unbelievable. Whenever I expressed my doubts or concern for her overwhelming and seemingly sudden affection for me I was told not to “Be so cold – don’t be afraid of me (her)” and that “I (she) won’t hurt you Simon”.
Yeak, riiiight...
"I have never been with a man I was in love with. I wan't you to be the first".
It seems laughable but it's all true. She got NOTHING from me, It feels like a scam but there was really nothing she got but my time and a monochrome portrait. If she in fact eventually got it...
Twice I tried to get rid of her after I caught her lying to me and she managed to worm her way back. Initially she had some type of breakdown at work and had to go home. The second time she tried to introduce group sex into the equation. She and some dirty girlfriend were trying to sex it up, she'd clearly felt envious and wanted to get in on the act. Eventually it all turned out to be bullshit, and I took exception to this. I'm very open minded to anything - except lies and dishonesty.
Thank god I didn’t fall for her; I’d be shattered now. As it is I’m pretty astounded. I realize I’m pretty naïve but this whole episode in my life has been quite a gas in a way. If she was someone from an impoverished country trying to gain entry into mine I’d be able to put two & two together. But she wasn’t. & every time I expressed concern for her being on some type of rebound I was shot down as not knowing what I was talking about.
She booked me the trip. She nagged me to come.
And she met someone else on New Years Eve. Incredible.
Anyone would think I am lying and this story is a work of fiction. I am hurt and trying to make myself look good, and discredit her. But I swear it’s all true. And I know she is a liar, so I have nothing on my conscience.
So there you go bored people in cyber-land reading this pap. The world has grown smaller thanks to technology; however I can tell you that’s difficult to digest when you are alone in a big city in a foreign country, tens of thousands of miles from the people who really love you.
The real lesson I have learnt is not that online meeting is bad, or that American people are bad, or women are evil. Or that adversity makes us self reflect, resourceful and strengthens us, although the latter are certainly true.
It’s made me realize that if you have a hunch about something, if something feels like it isn’t quite right, isn’t comfortable or doesn’t add up, then chances are you are right.
Always trust your instincts. Sometimes it’s all you have.
And if life hands you a lemon: tell it to get the fuck out of your hotel room, (in more polite terms if at all possible).
Life's too short to be used and taken advantage of.
(Oh, and as nice as San Francisco is – Sydney craps all over it for beauty and live-ability. I’m really, despite all these silly shenanigans – one lucky cat. Any lovely gal's out there need not be perturbed, I'm not giving up... I'm sure you're out there somewhere).






